The two things that can KILL marriages:
1. Lies and Secrets — Even little white lies will eventually lead to secrets. If you think of a lie as a simple piece of paper (it’s thin, flexible, light), and every time you tell a lie it’s a piece of paper, a barrier, that covers your heart from your spouse. One, isn’t so bad. Two, you can still work with. But when lies stack up, become secrets, or more…suddenly there is whole stack of paper that you can’t get through. You’re setting yourself up for failure.
Even lying about small things can eventually lead to you being able to lie about larger things, then you tell a small secret…it goes on and on. You’re constantly building up that barrier (stacks of paper, if you will).
If you don’t want to have to lie, don’t do the thing that will make you lie. Or if you do the thing…tell your spouse the truth. If that thing is going to hurt your spouse when you tell them the truth, it’s probably something you shouldn’t be doing.
2. Not doing what is best for “Us”:
When you get married, you’te taking two people that have been a “You” and a “Me” their whole lives…and now you are making them an “Us.” Now you have to focus on what is going to be the best for “Us.”
And when I say “Us”…I’m not just saying that “Us” = to 1/2 of “You” and 1/2 of “Me.” What’s happening is we are creating a 3rd and completely separate entity here. It’s not something like we are meeting halfway, or that we are taking part of “You” and part of “Me.” It’s something that we have to approach like it is this brand newly created thing — Just like I worked so hard to keep “Me” happy and do what was best for “Me” in the past, and just like you worked so hard to keep “You” happy in the past…now WE as a team have to work just as hard to keep “Us” — the new “You” and “Me” — happy and safe.
And I’m not just talking about making sure that the other person is happy, and I’m especially not talking about just compromising for the other person. (If you are compromising, one person is giving 90% and the other is only giving 10%.) It’s not a game about winning — it’s the simple fact about doing what is right for “Us. That’s not to say there wont be compromising somewhere, but it will be on both parts and it will be what is best for “Us,” not for “You” or for “Me.”
— Our Officiant Bruce Gilson, (who is AWESOME by the way), has really given Chane and I TONS of great advice throughout our meetings. We’ve talked about every topic that you should cover in a pre-marital counseling, and it has made us think about a few things in ways we haven’t necessarily thought about before. I would recommend pre-marital counseling even if you are already married.